I know this is not what this blog was intended for, but I need to vent. Please don’t read on if you don’t want to. Everything feels hopeless right now. I feel like I’m falling apart, and nothing will ever get better. I feel like a failure. I’m worried that one day everyone will realise this and leave me. I’m worried that I’ll always be stuck. I’m making myself ill thinking that I should just give up now when I’m already sick enough.
I wake up most days with blood pouring out of my nose and blinding headaches. I’m going for all sorts of tests and while I’m assured it’s probably something that can be dealt with the negative part of my brain screams that it’s something bad, and I realise that while dying is something I think about far too often, I don’t actually want to die. I just want the pain to stop. Life is a headache really. My doctor says he thinks I’m very brave. I don’t think much of myself at all. My mum tries to cheer me up by asking what I want for my birthday. I tell her I don’t know. I don’t actually care. I’m not always sure I want to see 21. People just like to remind you that you’re an adult now, which makes me sad because I never felt like a child. Sure I have responsibilities at this age, but some of my earliest memories revolve around helping my mum sort medication. It wasn’t a very happy time, but it was better than the present. I just want to be normal for once in my life. I’m fed up. I’m barely coping. I don’t want the nightmares anymore, the voices in my head or the strange hallucinations. I also hate that I’ve become my 16 year old self again, etching scars into my skin because something horrible is happening inside my head and I don’t know how to stop it. All I want to do is sleep, but it seems I can’t do that either. Maybe things will get better, maybe they won’t. I just want to be happy.